Whoever said "a vehicle is a convenience" obviously hasn't seen any of mine. Engine problems and regular maintenance are understandable. But everybody should be able to park, unlock, and open their car doors without hassle. But who are we kidding? This is me we're talking about! I am not graced with such luxuries!
Sunday
I meet Kisch for some afternoon beer and cigars, because Lord knows I needed that. We decide to take my truck to Burn, the local tobacco lounge. I approach my rusty beast in the parking lot, stick my key in the lock, and... nothing. The key won't turn. It's almost as if I had been using the wrong key. We tried the passenger door. Same result. WTF? I've used this very key on the truck since I got it! It's always worked before. What's going on?
Then, I remember that my truck has been parked all winter with a bad wheel bearing, and I had been driving the ghetto car... Gnome sane? The lock cores on my truck must have frozen or rusted solid over the winter.
Kisch can barely contain his laughter as he fetches a coathangar... and a camera. I'm not able to hook the bar inside the door with the flimsy wire hangar, but Kisch snickers as I try both the driver-side and passenger-side doors.
Still baffled that my regular key won't work in the door, I try it on the driver's side once more. This time, I give it the tough love and really crank on that key. I was afraid that I might break it off in the lock core! But it slowly turns, and I'm finally able to get the driver's side lock open.
So, now I have a truck that I can't lock, because it won't unlock with any manner of ease. Just great.
Monday
I arrive home from band rehearsal at 11pm. I'm exhausted. I hop out of the truck and let out a huge sigh. Strangely, the sound of my sigh keeps hissing. I cock my head and realize that the hissing sound is coming from my truck, and it's not letting off or dying down. I start listening around the radiator... Did I have a leak? The sound was coming from the passenger side. I walked over there, and saw my front tire, neatly up against the curb as it should be. But I had parked it just a little TOO tight, the tire had started to pull away from the rim, and air was gushing out!
I threw my guitar on the lawn and raced back into my truck. I fired it up and pulled away from the curb. I hopped back out to examine it again. The hissing had stopped, but now my tire was 3/4 flat. That's super.
Tuesday
The next morning, I have to very carefully pilot the truck to the nearby gas station. I have to drive extra slow and take very wide turns, so the tire won't come off the rim. People are staring at me, but I made it to the station only a 1/2 mile away in just under 20 minutes. I re-filled my tire, and it held.
Note to self: I know your truck is wide, but you can't park that close to the curb. Quit it.
I arrive at work a few minutes later, park the truck, gather my things, and... you know... pull on the door handle. Like you do when you want to exit a vehicle. Because that's what it's there for: to unlatch the door for you. The latch is attached to a cable that runs horizontally through the door. The handle has a hook on it that pulls this cable, and releases the latch. I mean... that's how car doors work. It's a pretty basic thing. And from childhood, the first thing we learn about cars is how to use the friggin' door handle. Right?
I pull on the plastic handle, the cable hook snaps off inside the door, the door handle goes limp, and I'm trapped inside. *palmface*
Now, I do have a bench seat in this truck, and I could easily climb across it to the passenger door and back, every time I entered or exited the vehicle... but that's a lot of friggin' work. Reluctantly, I turn the truck ignition back on, and roll down the power window. From here I can reach the outside door handle, which is actually a handle with one of those thumb buttons. The handle is also located aft of the driver, so you have to be a championship contortionist to reach it with your left arm. Instead, I unbuckle my seat belt, turn my torso towards the window, reach out with my right arm, and muster all of the strength in my fingers to press that damn button. Once open, I have to roll the power window back up, shut off the ignition, and if the wind or the angle of the parking spot hasn't caused my door to latch shut again, I can finally hop out.
To date, I have to repeat this process whenever I exit my truck. Most of the time I forget that until it's too late, I habitually shut off my engine, and grab the broken plastic door handle to no avail. Naturally, I have to put the keys back in the ignition, and start the whole process from the top in order to get out. I hate my life.
