Four simple screws, and you've got new license plates, right? Guess again, bub.
Last week, the DMV saw it fit to issue me new plates this month, while renewing my registration. The fellow at the counter opened a new package of plates, fished out a set and was about to assign them to my vehicle when he recoiled in horror. "Whoah! I don't think you want these plates!" The number was '666 CYB'.
"Like it matters." I didn't even bat an eye. "My luck couldn't get much worse."
Of course when I open my mouth like that, it provides a perfect receptacle for my foot. I get the plates home, but upon inspection of the truck, I discovered that each and every fastener on the existing plates was different. Some were hex-head screws, some were Phillips-head screws, one was a slotted sheet-metal screw... no two were alike. My trusty multi-tool would be futile, here. At minimum, I needed an adjustable wrench, to be sure. I was in a hurry that day, and wouldn't get the chance to put the plates on the truck until this week.
Unfortunately, over the weekend I got some kind of viral flu, likely the dreaded H1N1, and was in bed with a fever for a few days.
Kisch and I decide to go grab dinner at our favorite Chinese restaurant, last night, and I beat him there by a few minutes. I figured this was the perfect opportunity to change those plates out. I had brought along the necessary tools.
I started with the rear plate. The sheet-metal screw was no problem. The rusty hex-head fastener turned out to be a 3" long bolt. WTF? Well, whatever... The new plate went on relatively easily.
Just then Kish drives up and parks. He gets out, walks to the rear of my truck, and stares at me. Before he can comment, I start with "How ghetto is it that I'm changing my license plates in the Chinese restaurant parking lot?" I save the front plate for later, tossing it and my tools in the passenger seat.
We have a meal, and I order mine with a Smithwick's beer. It comes with a thick head. I stare at it. Uhhh... Smithwick's isn't supposed to have a head like this. Was it a new tap? Was the glass just warm? I took a sip, and cocked my head sideways. Something wasn't right. Kish took a sip and did a double-take as well. Then we figured it out... The Smithwick's keg had been hooked up to a tap that was previously used for Guinness, so they were carbonating it with NITROGEN instead of CO2. Idiots. What is it with this town? Can't I just order a simple beer and have it served right? Just once? Please?
Later, I was driving in my truck and had my right arm resting on the top of the bench seat back. I was fidgeting with the passenger-side adjustable headrest, which has broken locking mechanisms, so it slides up and down freely. I was at a stop light, and apparently I got carried away because I pulled the masts up just a little too far and the whole headrest came right out of the damn seat, leaving me holding the loose headrest in my hand. The plastic bushings around the masts came off too. I swore, and glanced at the stoplight. Still red. I quickly leaned over and tried to re-assemble the headrest, but it was no easy feat... digging around in the upholstery, trying to line up the masts with some broken, buried sockets. I finally got it back together, and the light was still red. I decided to stop fidgeting. Afterward, I learned that Kish was driving behind me, had witnessed the entire thing, and was laughing his ass off.
Today, I figured I'd better finish the job and swap out that front license plate on my old rusty jalopy. I discovered several things:
- The front bumper had screw holes that were too far apart for the license plate.
- The previous owner of the vehicle had drilled extra holes in the license plate to match the bumper holes.
- The previous owner used a plastic drywall anchor and a small Phillips head screw with a washer to hold on one side, and a large hex bolt on the other, which was so corroded and stripped that it wouldn't back out.
My choices were twofold:
- Drill the bolt out.
- Tear the license plate off, around the bolt.
Naturally, I chose the solution which required the least amount of work. (See photo above). And rather than drill yet another set of holes in either the bumper or the plate, I just put the new plate on with the old drywall anchor on one side and let it dangle.
Fuck it.
