The Infamous Wedding Guest Book Debacle

I got married a few months ago, and like most weddings, we had a guest book. The reception would be the first (and last) time my darksider death-metal friends would intermix with my uber-Christian family. I thought I had all of my bases covered... but little did I know, that guest book would be a recipe for disaster.

Like most darksiders, my buddy Rocky has a twisted sense of humor. It seemed innocent enough to station him as a greeter to the wedding reception. All he had to do was hold the door open and direct people to sign the guest book. He did this perfectly... and would end all of his greetings with a snicker or an evil cackle. Hilarious!

What I didn't know until the next day is that Rocky had jokingly "rigged" the guest book to be a "Satanic contract" between the newlyweds and the guests! When our reception was over, the guest book got collected with the wedding gifts and hauled away by my parents.

The next day, we had a meal and a gift-opening at my parent's home. Naturally, they had discovered the guest book and were appalled at the "Satanic" messages within. Unable to comprehend a joke, my parents actually believed that Mrs. Frost and I are devil worshipers. Of course, they kept this to themselves while they had company present, but were determined to get to the bottom of the issue that very day.

Mrs. Frost and I were completely hung-over from our reception the night before, so we were moving a bit slowly when we arrived at my parents suburban home. In attendance were my parents, her parents, and her grandparents. When we sat down for a meal, my father asked me to give the blessing. In proper Christian form, I said a simple prayer over the food while my folks carefully observed my demeanor. I had no idea what was in store.

The gift-opening had it's own challenges. For one thing, Mrs. Frost loves skeletons, and skulls in particular. In fact, our reception table centerpieces were Mexican Dia de los Muertos sugar skulls. And in step with friends who actually know us, we received several gifts which featured skulls or skeleton patterns. My bride and I were filled with glee! My parents: not so much.

After the gift-opening, the relatives all departed one by one, but my folks asked me and my wife to stay behind for a surprise. We had never seen the guest book, and had no idea that Rocky had played his little prank. Instead, we were anxious to learn what this surprise was.

"Are you Christian?" my mother asked us point blank.

We were stunned. Was that the surprise? Confused, I asked what difference it made. She began getting huffy. "Do you worship Satan?"

WHAT!?! Who asks a question like that!?! Mrs. Frost and I chuckled at the ridiculous nature of the question. This whole party just went from somewhat pleasant to completely awkward and not very friendly with a side of last night's hangover.

"I have been up all night, praying to God for your souls. I can't believe that you two would ruin your wedding like this."

I had no idea what she was talking about. My mother handed me the guest book, and demanded that I explain the meaning of it. What we found inside was Rocky's gift to us: each page had small text at the top which declared the souls of the undersigned to be property of the new couple. It was fucking brilliant. Mrs. Frost and I started laughing aloud. My parents were less than impressed.

"This is serious! Your eternal SOULS are at risk! You're toying with Satan himself! I was sick to my stomach when I found this. I've been up crying and praying all night that you would abandon your sinful ways and return to Christ."

Through laughs, I explained that we had nothing to do with the guest book, and that everything written in there was Rocky's handiwork, and it was nothing more than a joke.

"A joke!?!" my mother exclaimed. "Explain this!" She flipped the guest book to a page where Rocky had not only condemned the souls of the undersigned to the bridal party, but also included a drawing of a pentacle... on fire. I openly pointed and laughed at the depiction. My parents were clearly agitated.

Rocky had also included several phonetic signatures which would have had us in stitches, were it not for the Spanish Inquisition before us. In the face of such comedy, Mrs. Frost and I had a difficult time confining our smiles.

But here's the crowning delight: because they were convinced that my wife and I were somehow devil-worshipers, my mother went through the guest book and wrote counter-active Christian messages next to all of Rocky's jokes. This was their way of "saving" the guest book.

Enlarge the picture above to see the guest book in all it's glory. Turn the pages with the arrows on the left and right sides of the picture.

I spent the next 20 minutes talking my parents down, ensuring them that my soul is indeed quite safe. They never really bought it, and sent us on our way, threatening to pray for us every day until we accepted Jesus back into our hearts. Great way to start a marriage.

We've been avoiding my parents ever since... afraid that the next time we see them, they'll try performing an exorcism on us. FUCK MY LIFE.