- 11:30pm
- My buddy Chad is working on my computer, tuning it up, and helping me get some more use out of the thing. I get a txt message from Curly, a friend who I rarely get to see because her work keeps her traveling around the country. She just so happens to be in my neighborhood at a pub with a bunch of friends. She invites Chad and I out for a drink. I tell her we're busy, but maybe when we're done.
- 1:00am
- We finally finish up the computer work, I thank Chad profusely, and he decides to go home.
- 1:21am
- I get to the pub, just in time for Last Call. Curly is there with 5 other friends, all girls, all very cute, dressed to kill, with intentions to conquer.
You might see such a thing in downtown Minneapolis on a weekend, but at a tiny pub on the furthest outskirts of the southern rim of civilization in Prior Lake on a week night, this is especially rare. All of them are drunk, loud, and flirty. Naturally, they are the center of attention. I order a Guinness.
- 1:23am
- My Guinness arrives, and the pint glass is more than 50% head. I flag down the bartender and point this out. He doesn't know how to craft a Guinness. I explain it to him. He pours me one correctly. He thanks me and waves off the charge. I tip him handsomely. Their tap is hooked up correctly, and the stout is delicious. I am happy.
- 1:29am
- I order one more Guinness at Last Call. It is crafted correctly. I am happy. Curly is dancing suggestively with Whiney, a cute lesbian girl with boy-cropped hair, far too many piercings, and the most childish, annoying voice you've ever heard. The sound makes me wince. I'm not so happy anymore.
- 2:00
- I am done. I say goodbye to Curly and her friend Giggles. Whiney is busy grinding on the other three girls hereafter called The Blondes.
- 2:20am
- I am home and tired. I clean up and go to bed.
- 2:35am
- I get a txt from Curly, asking for my help. I'm about to reply, but she just calls me instead. She says she's in trouble and asks for a ride. Not one to turn down a friend in need, I tell her I'll be there in minutes. I get dressed again, grab my keys, and leave the house.
- 2:42am
- I'm not quite back at the pub, when I spot all of the girls standing under a streetlamp. There is a squad car there, and a police officer is interviewing them. I pull up next to them. Curly runs up to my truck, jumps in, and commands me to drive. I ask where I'm taking her. She doesn't know. I ask what happened. She tells me that Whiney took a drink out of the pub in a plastic cup, finished it outside on the sidewalk, then threw the cup into the street. This naturally attracted the attention of the nearby cop. Well, that, and the fact that they're all drunk, hot, flirty girls and he's a 20-something rookie officer with an authority complex. He decides to see how far he can go with these girls while on duty. Curly wasn't into being strip searched, so she called me.
- 2:55am
- Curly is not doing well. Being that she's not a Minnesota native, she's not used to the night temperatures, feels shivering cold, and has to puke. Rather than risk being spotted by the cop, I take her to my place. My roommate isn't home all night, so I figure this is OK. Once inside, she gets a call from Whiney who says that the cop is named Josh and he's super cute and they're all going to hook up with him. She begs Curly to come back, so she can sleep with her. Curly is ready to pop, so she hands me her phone. She looks around my living room, I try directing her to the adjacent bathroom, but it's no use. She's already running up the stairs, and I hear her find the upstairs toilet.
- 3:03am
- I answer Curly's phone. It's Giggles and Whiney. They say they're in trouble and need to reconnect with Curly. I agree. Curly is busy hurling, so I offer to go fetch Giggles and Whiney, but I don't have any room for The Blondes. They say that's ok, because The Blondes have gone for a squad car cruise with horny Prior Lake Police Officer Josh. Uh oh.
- 3:11am
- I pick up Giggles and Whiney, the latter of which is extremely drunk, loud, obnoxious, and acting like a total asshole. Giggles calls The Blondes to figure out where Officer Josh is taking them. The Blondes are all drunk and want Josh for themselves, so they ditch the others and hang up on Giggles. Uh oh.
- 3:13am
- Whiney doesn't ask, leaves the windows up, and just decides to start smoking pot in my truck. I am not happy. I SCREAM at her. She gives me the finger. Giggles tries to take the pipe away from her. I'm about to stop the truck and kick her out, but suddenly a pair of headlights come on behind me. SHIT. It's the cops. They haven't turned on the light bar yet, and I'm not violating any traffic laws, but they're definitely following me, turn for turn. I pull into my parking lot, right into my parking space, and order everybody out. The cops pull into the parking lot behind my truck. I'm shitting bricks, but I'm already half-way down the sidewalk to my door. Giggles and Whiney don't follow me. Why? Because the cop is Officer Josh, again... still trying to score some trim. They flirt with him for a while. I lock my doors.
- 3:19am
- I find Curly in the bathroom, laying on the floor. She has puked all over herself, her cell phone, the bathroom rugs, and made a huge mess on the floor. She must have been drunker than I thought. She's unresponsive. I start to get worried. I go into my bedroom, turn on the lights, grab some towels from my closet, and try to assist her. She won't move. She won't drink water. She's in rough, rough shape. I am not happy.
- 3:21am
- Curly's phone rings again. It's Giggles. She tells me that Josh had taken The Blondes to one of their houses, and they're all going to have an after party there. He was sent out to retrieve the other 3, and then have his way with all of them. Giggles asked him to give her a breathalyzer test. He obliged, and confirmed that she was legal to drive. Whiney reached into her panties, pulled out a bag of pot, and offered to smoke up with Josh. But Giggles assures Josh that everything is under control here, and he can just go bang The Blondes. Josh does not argue with this and leaves.
- 3:32am
- I need help with Curly. Giggles is sober and wants to take Curly home, so I let her inside. Curly is still on the bathroom floor, looking like hell. Giggles gets just as worried as I do and starts talking about maybe taking Curly to the ER for alcohol poisoning. Just then, Whiney comes in and starts loudly asking me for booze. I show her Curly and point out the seriousness of the situation. Whiney dismisses the whole thing and starts prodding Curly and trying to pick her up off the floor. Curly vomits some more. I am not happy.
- 3:55am
- I'm ready to choke Whiney, who is opening every door and drawer in the place, looking for booze. Giggles gets her to calm down. I tell Giggles that she needs to get these people out of my house, and to the ER if necessary. She agrees. I have to drive her back to the pub to retrieve her car. We leave Whiney to take care of Curly for a few minutes while we do this. I am not happy.
- 4:19am
- Giggles and I have returned. We go upstairs. Curly is no longer on the bathroom floor. Instead, Whiney managed to drag her into my bedroom and throw her on my bed. Whiney was blasting R&B music loud enough to wake up my neighbors, dancing on my bed, and smoking pot. A blood vessel in my eye pops, and I lunge at Whiney. She tells me to fuck off, a that it's not big deal that she's ashing on the carpet, and Curly probably isn't all that sick anyway. Giggles and I order Whiney outside. She doesn't comply. We get Curly off my bed, who starts to puke again. Back to the toilet. I am not happy.
- 4:27am
- Curly is so sick, she's sobbing and puking in symphony. She begs us not to take her to the hospital because she hasn't got any medical insurance. Whiney starts talking about crashing at my place for the night. Curly gives a thumbs up to this idea from the bathroom floor. Giggles and I adamantly forbid this. We convince everybody that they have to leave ASAFP with Giggles.
- 4:35am
- Curly is now heartbroken that I want her to leave, and this quickly turns to anger. She musters all of her strength to give me the finger and then slide herself down the stairs, toboggan style. Giggles and Whiney put themselves under Curly's arms and start dragging her outside. I hand Giggles a bucket, and wish her good luck. Giggles apologizes profusely.
- 4:44am
- I lock all of the doors behind them and turn off the lights. So much for helping out a friend. I throw open all of the windows in the whole place to get the pot smoke out. I begin cleaning up vomit. This requires a load of laundry.
- 5:06am
- I finally get back in bed. I'm so angry, I can't sleep.
The irony is, Prior Lake Police Officer Josh probably got everything he was after last night... while he was on duty. I was just trying to do the right thing to help out a friend, and got stuck with the mess.
Cops: 3
Frost: 0
