Even though maintaining the company website is the equivalent of 7 full-time jobs, I felt I deserved some time away from the office, acting like a newlywed. Management assured me that they had everything under control and that I should take some time off to enjoy my honeymoon. What they failed to understand is that the honeymoon was in a remote wilderness area, and I would be completely out of communication for 10 days. Fortunately, we had a 24 x 7 x 365 support company to handle any website emergencies in my absence, so I got the hell outta Dodge to be with my new bride, confident that all would be well when I returned. I could not have been more wrong.
Over 270 miles and a week later, I powered-up my mobile phone to find the voice mailbox completely full, and dozens of urgent messages sent to my personal email account. Uh oh... this can't be good. They were all messages from my boss, who was desperately trying to edit some content on the company website, but didn't know how. The terror in his voice made it sound like the website had a mind of it's own, and was a loose cannon, ready to single-handedly destroy the company at any moment. I rolled my eyes.
At the first chance, I got to a computer and pulled up the company website to see what was going on. My jaw hit the floor to discover that the site was GONE. Completely gone. Rather than call the support company, my boss panicked, called the web host, and decided to delete the company website entirely. Really!?! That's a bit extreme, don't you think?
I got into the office the next morning, re-uploaded the site, un-checked two checkboxes on a settings page, and all was right with the world. That's it: just two checkboxes. Click click. Done. The support company could have done that for you. Did you bother to call them? No, you DELETED THE DAMN WEBSITE.
Now, remember how I'm the only dude doing the job of 7 people? Yeah... nobody really bought into that idea. They just came to think of me as "The Web Guy". There isn't a single other person in the company who even has a CLUE how to do my job. At one point, I had told my boss that if I ever got fired, I would have to revoke my rights to the system, because nobody else in the company would know how to take them from me. They had all of their eggs in one basket... me. But none of that matters to management. If it has something to do with the web, it must be my responsibility, right? And if something goes wrong with the web, it must be my fault, right? Well, that was EXACTLY their thinking, and they also thought that they could probably hire just any schmo to do all of those 7 jobs.
A day later, I'm strolling into work, when a security guard jumps up in front of me and sternly informs me that I'm no longer allowed on the premises. They had an 8 1/2" x 11" full color photo of me printed up at the security desk with a "DO NOT ALLOW ON PROPERTY: NOTIFY AUTHORITIES IMMEDIATELY" bulletin attached to it. They asked me to turn in my employee badge and access cards, and to leave at once. Instead, I texted my boss:
Frost: I'm being detained by security at the employee entrance. Any idea what's going on?
Boss: OMW
My boss sat me down in the lobby, and paid me compliments for the next hour. He said I was the best employee he ever had, and used words like "genius" and "extremely talented". He let me know that it wasn't his decision, and that I had been fired by someone who felt that I was a "threat" to the company.
I smirked and said, "You realize this is a very, very big mistake, right?"
He nodded and replied, "You're irreplaceable. We are going to be completely hosed without you. I'm terrified. I have no idea what we're going to do."
"Well, this is one helluva wedding present." I remarked.
I could tell he felt bad, but it was out of his hands. And that was that. I was shown to the door.
My benefits and pay would end immediately. My paid time off (PTO) which had been accruing over several months, now totaled nearly 100 hours of vacation time, which would be "sold" back to the company and paid to me as a check. I learned that this process would take several weeks.
Now, lots of people have been fired for no good reason. But because I went on my own honeymoon!?! WTF!?! If you think that's bad... just wait...
Frost is unemployed for 2 days. Doesn't get paid for over a month.
As it turns out, I have a skill set that is in pretty darn good demand right now, even in this terrible job market. I was offered a new position only 2 days later, and went to work the following Monday. Unfortunately, the new job's payroll is twice a month, and I was starting at the end of a pay period. It would be several weeks before I got paid.
What's worse, Mrs. Frost is underemployed, so we aren't really bringing in much income at all. It's times like these that you tighten the belt. We marched to the grocery store and stocked up on lots of ramen noodles and other broke-as-hell foods.
After 4 weeks, I had completed a pay period, and was anxious to get my first paycheck. Unfortunately, the pay day (the 15th) landed on a Sunday, so I wouldn't be paid until the next Monday. The moment I got the check in my hands, I ran to the bank and deposited it.
"Oh," said the teller, sheepishly, "This is a pretty big check. We're going to have to hold this for 7-10 days until it clears."
Shit! That means it'll be FIVE WEEKS before I have any income!
And where the hell was that check from my last employer? The one with all of the PTO time on it? I called them up yesterday, and as it turns out, it had mailed on Monday of this week. Sure enough, I got home from work last night, and there it was... a nice sum that would certainly help get us back on track.
I woke up naturally this morning, wondering why the alarm on my phone didn't go off as usual. I examined it, to discover that the phone battery had died in the middle of the night. No problem, I could charge it at work. That's when I noticed the time, and realized that I had only 15 minutes to catch my train to work. I threw together a lunch, ran a comb across my head, stuffed my PTO check in my pocket, and darted for the station. I caught the first bus and made it there on time.
When I took my seat on the train, I checked my pocket, and to my horror, that huge PTO check was gone. I looked under my seat. Nothing. Fuck! What if it's still on the bus?
I darted back to the bus, which was parked, lights off, and no driver in it. I pushed open the door, hopped in side, and began rifling through all of the seats. No check. So I must have lost it somewhere between my home and the bus stop. I pulled out my phone to call my wife, in the unlikely chance that she might be able to find the check on the street somewhere, but the phone was still dead.
An hour later, I arrived at my office, plugged-in the phone, called Mrs. Frost who begrudgingly obliged me and went hunting for the stray paycheck. 30 minutes later, she reported that it was nowhere to be found. My only option was to call my old employer, have them cancel the PTO check, yes, the one I just had in my fucking hands, and issue me a new one. It required that I get faxed a form, fill it out, and fax it back to the payroll lady in Human Resources.
"Oh," she said sheepishly over the phone, "We already ran payroll for this week, so we won't be able to issue you a new check until next week."
Six weeks of ramen noodles.
FUCK MY LIFE.
