With all the incidents in my life, I've actually had to start budgeting for my bad luck. You know, for things like bail money, car repairs, forced relocation... All the stuff that happens because it's me. CONCLUSION: It's expensive to be me! Let's take a look at this week for example...

Tuesday

5:30pm - My roommate/mechanic calls to inform me that after 4 months of sitting dormant, my truck has finally been repaired to working order. Hooray!

5:31pm - I realize that I no longer have any insurance on that truck, my roommate has the only working key, and he's taken the liberty of loading an old/rubbish sofa into the bed for disposal, sometime later. *sigh*

6:00pm - After work, I drive to my weekly Happy Hour in a vain attempt to feel better about life.

6:28pm - I'm very close to the Happy Hour, only about 2 blocks away. I am happy.

6:29pm - The transmission in my car finally gives up the ghost, breathes its last, and dissipates into the Great Beyond. I am not happy.

6:30pm - I call my drinking buddies and inform them of this news. They all laugh. I call my insurance company and go through the phone maze again (by now I can navigate that thing by memory) and call for Roadside Assistance.

6:32pm - I'm still on the phone with the insurance company. A cop pulls up behind me. He informs me that I've chosen to break down in a very bad location, and the vehicle must be moved immediately. I am distracted between the cop and the insurance company, and lose my place in the phone maze.

6:34pm - The squad car is using push bumpers to force my vehicle off the busy road and onto a side street. Brian Kisch shows up from Happy Hour, mostly to laugh at my misfortune. He can barely contain himself.

6:40pm - The towing company calls to say they'll tow my car home so my roommate can work on it. They also say they won't be able to pick up my car for at least an hour. This displeases us greatly. We push the car into a nearby gas station parking lot, get in Brian's vehicle, and drive to Happy Hour. Friends shake their heads and giggle at me, the bastards.

7:00pm - The waitress has not taken my order yet. I stop her and demand the darkest beer they have on tap. She brings me a Sapporo in a bottle. It costs $6.00. *palmface*

8:05pm - The towing company has called to tell me that they have found my car and are ready to tow it. In my haste I forgot to leave them keys to unlock the steering wheel. Brian and I pay our bills quickly and drive the 2 blocks back to the gas station where we can visually see the tow truck waiting for us. We need to round one corner around another building before we can get into this gas station.

8:06pm - We round the corner, and the tow truck has left, apparently too impatient for us. I leave the key in my car ignition and call the bastard back. He was only a few blocks away. Brian takes this picture of me, and then we return to Happy Hour. Again.

8:45pm - I am called by my insurance company, who informs me that my car has been towed it's maximum limit (15 miles) to a Mazda dealership who will do repairs on it. This infuriates me. I drink another beer.

9:00pm - I pay for my two beers, plus the one Kisch had. The establishment pulled my pants down, charging over $7 for each beer, plus a Coke, leaving a $24 tab. *palmface*

9:30pm - Kisch drops me off at home, still fraught with laughter.

Wednesday

7:30am - My roommate still has the only key to my truck. He is not home. I need to go to work. I need to deal with this broken down car. I call in to work, stating that I will be somewhat late today.

8:00am - If I need to sell either my truck or the car, I'll need the titles handy. Fear courses my veins when I realize that I have neither. I need to get my ass to the DMV immediately.

8:10am - My only means of transportation is my bicycle. That's ok, because I've been meaning to start biking to work anyway, like I always do when the weather cooperates. This will be good for me.

8:11am - It's 50 degrees out and showering. There is a God, and he hates me.

8:40am - I bike 4.3 miles to the to the DMV. I am damp. I explain my plight. They are sympathetic and say they can order duplicate titles for me, but they'll cost $17.50 each and I'll have to pay by cash or check only. I have neither. I announce that I will retrieve money from a nearby bank and return shortly.

8:45am - The grocery store is open, but my bank inside it is not. I wait.

9:00am - The bank opens, and I withdraw $35. I return to the DMV, as promised.

9:10am - There is a girl working at the counter who is wearing a gray T-shirt-style spaghetti-strap top with silver sequins covering her breasts, some designer skinny jeans, far too much makeup, and high heels. I step back outside and re-read the signage to make sure I'm really at the DMV.

9:11am - DMVWhore asks if she can help me. I explain that I had been working with someone else only minutes ago, and I'd like to keep working with them. DMVWhore gets defensive, taps something on her keyboard, and leaves to fetch DMVLadyNumber1.

9:12am - DMVLadyNumber1 returns to finish my transaction (now that I have cash), but is confused because the computer shows that the transaction was already completed, and cannot be completed twice in one day. She asks DMVWhore what she did on the computer, but DMVWhore just shrugs and dismisses us both with a backhanded wave.

9:15am - DMVLadyNumber1 confers with DMVBoss. I wait.

9:20am - DMVLadyNumber1 informs me that this can no longer happen via the computer network, and now has to be done via traditional paper forms... which takes a couple weeks longer.

9:22am - DMVLadyNumber1 informs me that my car is listed as sold to me, but the title was never really transferred to my name. She asks where the title is. I grow an embarrassed look, and admit to her that I accidentally put the car title through the laundry. She asks me if I still have what's left of the title. I do, but it's at home and is in rough shape. She instructs me to bring the remnants into the office.

9:25am - I bike 4.3 miles back home. I am more damp. I retrieve what's left of the laundered car title.

9:27am - I bike 4.3 miles back to the DMV. The temperature has dropped to the 40s, and it's full-on raining, now. I fail to see the humor in this.

10:00am - DMVLadyNumber1 says the damaged title is still mostly legible, and therefore usable. WIN!

10:01am - DMVLadyNumber1 says the damaged title won't lay flat, and therefore won't scan, and therefore can't be read by OCR software, so it can't be sent through the automated system. FAIL! It will have to be done via traditional paper forms... So it will take between five and nine weeks to get my car title. This injustice costs me $42.00 in cash or check only. I had only withdrawn $35 in cash previously. I break down and write a check.

10:10am - The wind has picked up, and the rain is pelting me. I ride my bike 6.4 miles almost all uphill to work. I arrive soaking wet and frozen to the bone.

10:45am - In the men's room, I change into office attire. I attempt to dry off my clothes by airing them out in my cubicle. Co-workers are unimpressed. My boss knows my luck, and laughs in my face.

11:00am - I get a phone call from my roommate. He's confident he can fix my transmission, and says I should definitely get the car home to his garage.

3:30pm - I call a towing company to retrieve my car from the Mazda dealership. They tell me they will deliver it to my place within an hour. I suit up in my still-somewhat-wet clothes, step back out into the rain, and bike 4.1 miles home.

4:17pm - My roommate is home. He gives me the only key to my truck, now that I've biked all day in the freezing rain.

4:19pm - My now-functioning truck still has the old sofa in it. I back it out of my designated parking space (where it has sat for the last 4 months) to make room for my faulty car. It drives beautifully. The tow truck driver skillfully backs my car into my designated spot... and charges me $96.84 for his services.

6:30pm - My roommate spends some time on his computer, looking up parts, and doing calculations. He informs me that the transmission alone is going to be about $550 in parts and labor. There is also a bad lifter that needs replacing, a warped brake rotor, a bad wheel bearing, 3 remaining bad tires, a cracked windshield, and let's not forget a missing radio. A whole engine including a transmission can be purchased for about $900. Any way you look at this, the repairs are worth more than the car itself. He suggests I disassemble the car, sell whatever parts I can on eBay, and sell the rest to a salvage yard. *headdesk*

Thursday

8:00am - I drive my truck to work, with no title and no insurance... with a moldy sofa still in the back.

Totals!

Miles biked: 23.4
Dollars spent: $186.34
Date when I'll have both vehicle titles: July 1, 2009